Name: Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) – Part 1
Uploaded: 2024-04-18T07:40:24-07:00
Duration: 6 min 16 s
Description: Life is easier when we understand that we do not have to figure it all out by ourselves.

Recently I had a client learn more about this from their counselor, who did some research and outreach to get to the bottom of the situation. Thanks to them I am passing this along to others. Since then, I have been talking with clients about it and they have been amazed at how helpful it is to understand this could be part of being an adult with a neurodiversity.

What is PDA?

What is a demand?
Noun: an insistent and peremptory request, made as if by right.
Verb: ask authoritatively or brusquely.

Now you need to have an understanding of demand avoidance. “‘Demand avoidance’ involves not being able to do certain things at certain times, either for yourself or others, and also refers to the things we do in order to avoid demands.

It’s a natural human trait – avoiding demands is something we all do to different degrees and for different reasons.

When demand avoidance is more significant there can be many possible reasons for this.”

Let me share with you a little of my story. I had totally forgotten about this until I started to research PDA. When I was about ten years old I was volunteering at the local human society.

I was doing things like scooping poop, cleaning kennels, and petting cats. I was pretty good at it. I really enjoyed it. Growing up in a small town in Northern Minnesota this was something I could walk to so I never told my parents about it.

I was a free-range kid, as long as I wasn’t getting into trouble I was free to roam town. Typically I was with my friends playing.

My parents found out about my volunteering and thought it was really a good thing. My dad sat me down and said he was proud of me and each time I went to let him know because he would pay me $.25. I never went again.

I remember thinking to myself that this was silly and weird. I forced myself to go twice just to try and push through this feeling of never wanting to do it again. I couldn’t do it and never went back.

I was 10 years old, and I knew this was odd, off, and frustrating. It really made no sense to me. There was no logic to it and it wasn’t rational.

After learning about demand avoidance, I get it. I will break it down for you; as long as it was my thing and I was doing it without anyone noticing, I was free. Once they knew and placed a reward to it, my brain highjacked it as a demand sensation and I was robbed of the joy of it.

This is just my story. Over all of my years of coaching dyslexic, ADHD, and autistic persons I have heard stories like this many times.

One of the most common areas I see neurodiverse individuals struggling with this is when it comes to a schedule or creating a routine.

Routines are so important, but for some people when they have to be solely responsible for their routine it ALL feels like a demand and that can render some people almost trapped in avoidance.

Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is: all-encompassing and has some unique aspects:

Everyday Demands – many everyday demands are avoided simply because they are demands. Some people explain that it’s the expectation (from someone else or yourself) that leads to a feeling of lack of control, then anxiety increases, and panic can set in
Irritation Quality – there can be an ‘irrational quality’ to the avoidance – for instance, a seemingly dramatic reaction to a tiny request, or the feeling of hunger inexplicably stopping someone from being able to eat
Varying Levels of Demand – the avoidance can vary, depending on an individual’s capacity for demands at the time, their level of anxiety, their overall health/well-being or the environment (people, places, and things).

This is a spectrum and presents differently in different people.

Externalized or active presentation – where demand avoidance may be overt, physical, aggressive or controlling.
Internalized or passive presentations – where demands may be resisted more quietly, anxiety is internalized and difficulties are masked.
Variable presentation – depending on other factors like how well they are managing at the time, the environment, the setting, their age and so on. This is the most typical presentation.

PDA demand avoidance isn’t a choice and is lifelong – it’s seen in infants and remains part of the experience into old age. With understanding, helpful approaches from others, and finding self-coping and coping strategies, it can become more manageable.

Once you start reading through the lists of types of demands, you will start to see all of the ways this can become a factor of resistance in someone’s life.

Types of Demands:

“Demands in PDA are many and cumulative. It can be helpful to think about some of the different ‘types’ of demands.” PDA Society UK

Direct demands are requests or questions made by other people or situations – such as ‘put your shoes on’, ‘sit here and wait’, ‘pay this bill,’ or ‘would you like a drink?’.

Indirect Demands:

Time – time is an additional demand on top of the demand itself
Plans – advance planning may lead to increased anxiety as the time/date for ‘the plan’ nears, but equally the intolerance of uncertainty that is a key factor in PDA may make ‘spur of the moment’ activities tricky
Questions – the expectation of being required to respond to a direct question can be disabling
Decisions – sometimes knowing a decision has to be made makes it a demand, or ‘options paralysis’ may set in if there are too many possibilities

Internal Demands:

Internal bodily demands – such as thirst or needing the bathroom
Thoughts/desires – internal feelings
Uncertainty – research from Newcastle University showed that intolerance of uncertainty is a significant factor in PDA, with PDA autistics needing to know and feel in control of what’s going on
Praise – this carries the implied expectation that the action will be carried out again or improved on next time, and so may not achieve the positive reinforcement that may be intended
Transitions – the demand to stop and switch what you’re doing and also the uncertainty around what may come next
Expectations – from others and of yourself
Sensory overload & sensory integration difficulties
Other people’s ‘energy’ and presence
Things we want to do – like hobbies, seeing friends, or special occasions – so, not just the things we might not want to do like housework or homework.

Demands Within Demands –the smaller implied demands within larger demands (for example, riding the bus to get to work, waiting for the bus, paying the fee, finding seating, the people, the smells, safety, getting off at the right location, not forgetting anything on the bus, etc.)

“I Should” Demands

And there are the many “I should” demands of daily life – getting up, washing, brushing teeth, getting dressed, eating, cooking, chores, learning, working, sleeping … the list goes on.

Please note that demands are perceived differently by each person, and responses to demands will also be variable. But once you begin to look at life in terms of demands you can see how pervasive they are and how difficult things might be for someone with major PDA.

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There is an additional demand avoidance I want to make sure you are aware of.

ADA is Autism Demand Avoidance

Autistic people may avoid demands or situations that:

trigger anxiety
trigger sensory overload
disrupt routines
involve transitioning from one activity to another
activities/events that they don’t see the point of
activities/events they have any interest in

Reactions to a demand might look like:

refusing
withdrawing
shutting down
escaping physically
escaping internally
avoiding things

Helpful approaches include:

addressing sensory issues
helping individuals adjust to new situations (for instance by using visuals or social stories)
keeping to a predictable routine
giving plenty of notice about any changes or accepting that avoiding some things is perfectly acceptable.

If you think that this could be something that happens to you, here are some simple things that you can try. Please note if this is a very aggressive form of PDA, I would recommend seeking further help from a specialist if you’re not able to make measurable changes on your own. You are worth it and being run by these types of thought processes isn’t fun.

5 Step Process to Reduce the Demand Effect (self-management techniques)

Start to identify situations that cause the feeling of demand.
Journal the who, what, when, and where
Identify new ways YOU could handle each situation – this may include just having new language around it
Identify and communicate new ways that other people might be able to assist
Reduce situations that cause the feeling of extreme overwhelm

I personally have been having fun with this new awareness. I have been using Notion to journal about situations that I am noticing get highjacked by PDA.

I have started to find the feelings that go with it, increasing my awareness of it. The really fun part is being able to reframe something with new language and thereby prevent it from being a demand.

One of the things that has surprised me most is that I place amajority of the demands on myself, unknowingly. I “Should” all over myself at times when I have a lot of things I want to accomplish.

I would love to hear your stories of seeing this in yourself and in family and friends. It has helped me have more compassion for family and friends too.

Life is easier when we understand that we do not have to figure it all out by ourselves. There are lots of us making sense of our different thinking.

Be well and pass along the learning.

JoyGenea

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