“The lecturer began his presentation. He spoke calmly but moved through the material quickly, as if he assumed we were already familiar with it. This was confirmed by the other students, most of whom were not taking notes. I scribbled down every word.
“So what is Isaiah Berlin’s two concepts?” The lecturer asked. Nearly everyone raised a hand. The lecturer called on the student who had studied at Oxford. “Negative liberty,” he said, “is the freedom from external obstacles or constraints. An individual is free in this sense if they are not physically prevented from taking action.” I was reminded for a moment of Richard who had always seemed able to recite with exactness everything he’d ever read.
“Very good,” the lecturer said. “And the second?”
“Positive liberty,” another student said, “is the freedom from internal constraints.”
I wrote this definition in my notes, but I didn’t understand it. The lecturer tried to clarify. He said positive liberty is self mastery the rule of the self, by the self. To have positive liberty, he explained is to take control of one’s own mind: to be liberated from irrational fears and beliefs, from addictions, superstitions, and all other forms of self coercion.”
–Educated by Tara Westover, page 256
In many of my conversations with people about growth, understanding, and change we talk about boundaries with other people. Some of my clients have never applied boundaries while others have boundaries that are so strong they feel isolated and alone. What I can tell you is that it is a balance, and it is important to understand your boundaries and how to see and respect other people’s.
Last month’s book was Educated by Tara Westover. I thought the book would be about the educational system and how it might not have worked for someone. I was mostly wrong.
The book is a memoir, and it is about a family and how many of the children of this family do not attend public school because it is believed, by the parents, that it is just brainwashing. It is the journey of one of those children to find their way to college without ever attending school before that.
I was inspired by the story and by the journey that they are on even now. It made me think of the harrowing and amazing stories I have heard from people when I do classes or give a speech.
I have had more than one client with PTSD from experiences in the school system and by the time I am talking to them as adults they are in the process of turning those types of experiences into learning moments of growth. That is what the author Tara did.
Would I recommend this book? Yes, I would, and I do. It might not be for everyone. It talks of some physical abuse in detail and that might not be what is best for some people at this time in their life.
I want to share a little part of the book with you that I think is worth mentioning. It definitely relates to coaching, to growth, and to leveling up in life and business. It can be found on page 256.
“The lecturer began his presentation. He spoke calmly but moved through the material quickly, as if he assumed we were already familiar with it. This was confirmed by the other students, most of whom were not taking notes. I scribbled down every word.
“So what is Isaiah Berlin’s two concepts?” The lecturer asked. Nearly everyone raised a hand. The lecturer called on the student who had studied at Oxford. “Negative liberty,” he said, “is the freedom from external obstacles or constraints. An individual is free in this sense if they are not physically prevented from taking action.” I was reminded for a moment of Richard who had always seemed able to recite with exactness everything he’d ever read.
“Very good,” the lecturer said. “And the second?”
“Positive liberty,” another student said, “is the freedom from internal constraints.”
I wrote this definition in my notes, but I didn’t understand it. The lecturer tried to clarify. He said positive liberty is self mastery the rule of the self, by the self. To have positive liberty, he explained is to take control of one’s own mind: to be liberated from irrational fears and beliefs, from addictions, superstitions, and all other forms of self coercion.”
To have both negative and positive liberty, one must know oneself and be in control of that self. For a person like me with a variety of neurodiverse traits that means understanding how I learn best, how I communicate best, how I am the best person for myself and for others, and then, here is the really important part, taking action to continue forward with what you have learned. As they say, “Knowing and Doing are two different things.”
Coaching allows me to support clients in the knowing and doing of their life and that changes the outcome of everything from relationships, jobs, weight, and most importantly stress.
Learning about implementing boundaries is necessary to have the most negative AND positive liberty, so when I came across great examples of setting and engaging in a boundary I wanted to share.
Here is an example from Tara Westover’s website. I commend her on so many levels for her choice of words, adding reference details, and creating another email address.
Take a look and learn from her experience and wisdom.
P.S. If you read Educated and found it helpful in thinking through difficult personal situations, below is a list of books, poems, and lectures that helped me. Perhaps they will be helpful to you, too.
With these kinds of books, I always recommend starting with just a few pages. If it speaks to you, keep reading. If not, move on to the next one until you find something that does. Something will.
• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk (also, listen to conversation with Bessel Van der Kolk and Ezra Klein that took place on The Ezra Klein Show, 8/24/21)
• Playing with Reality, by Donald Winnicott
• Trauma and Recovery and Truth and Repair by Judith Herman
• An Examined Life, by Stephen Grosz
• Codependent No More, Melody Beattie
• The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller (the title always makes me wince but it’s worth pushing through it)
• Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter A. Levine with Ann Frederick
• Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina Fisher
• Internal Family Systems Therapy by Richard C. Schwartz and Martha Sweezy
• Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller
• Three Essays on Religion by John Stuart Mill
• The Poetry of Self Compassion, a lecture by David Whyte, available here.
• Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal by Jeanette Winterson
• The Journey and Wild Geese by Mary Oliver
• YouTube lectures on narcissistic family roles by Dr. Ramani. Available here.
• And these songs: On the Nature of Daylight by Max Richter and Song from a Secret Garden