I was listening to my Growth Day app starting my day this morning, like I do most mornings, and Brendon Burchard said something that connected to the journey many neurodiverse leaders go through. Especially since it was a conversation I had with a client this week. I don’t really talk about this enough and it is an important topic.
Brendon was talking about what he has observed holds people back from growth and why people don’t change. One of the items was “they are surrounded by fake relationships.”
Not all friendships are healthy, supportive, and good for us. Sometimes we have to part ways with people who are not going anywhere near the same direction as us.
Recently while I was working with a client, he was feeling down and I asked why. He was headed off for the weekend with some old friends and he wasn’t looking forward to it.
In the last year, he has changed his priorities and is doing the work of being mentally and physically healthier. He is investing in his mindset and outcomes.
This group of friends, well they don’t support any of that, they like to pick on the people who do stuff like that.
What he said next is so common for neurodiverse persons, “I have been picked on enough I don’t want to be harassed anymore.” This was a statement from a person running a company of over 100 employees, who is very successful in his industry and is an outstanding leader.
I coach a lot of people through this moment of setting a boundary for themselves and adjusting their friend circle. You don’t think about this when you start on a growth and personal development journey.
You don’t think the people you call your friends won’t support you as you grow. And you really aren’t prepared for when they sabotage you because they are angry that you’re not staying the way you have always been.
Even worse is that some of these people trying to hold you back and harass you are family, and you can’t easily remove yourself from their judgments and opinions.
I want you to know that it is O.K. to outgrow your friends. It is necessary at times to break up with a friend.
If you are wondering what a healthy strong, good friend looks like. Well, it’s simple.
A friend wants what is best for you. They champion your goals. They don’t judge and criticize what you are doing.
They will ask you good questions if they are concerned that you might be doing something that will be harmful to yourself and others.
A good friend would have an intervention for you if you became an addict before they cut you out of their life.
A healthy friend will take you to the hospital and not ask a lot of questions.
A good friend will not judge you when you have messed up and apologize. They will take the time to talk through what happened.
Here’s the incredible thing– you need five of these people in your life if you want to be at your highest and best self. You can’t do it alone. Scientists have proven this over and over again.
I can tell you that I see this with my clients as they grow and those five people start to show up and lift them up, and they do the same back, those clients surpass their goals.
There will be some goodbyes that you weren’t expecting in your growth journey. It’s part of being a leader. It can be a lonely thing as you’re in the growing parts of this process.
Know that you’re not the first to deal with this, it won’t be the last time, and it will get easier to understand each time.
Back to the story about my client. We spent our whole hour on this topic. We examined it and at the end of the hour, he had a new plan.
He was going to cancel with his friends. He would pay for his portion because he was canceling on such short notice and that’s what you do.
He was then going to take that time and reinvest it in himself by getting a hotel room and working on his journaling and a personal art project he never had time for.
I will note here that he thought about doing something special with his wife. I asked what she had planned for the weekend.
When he told me her plans, of which there were many involving friends, I recommended that she might be looking forward to some time alone with the kids and friends. You might want to not mess with that and do your own thing.
I also told him he could tell her that he thought about doing something with her and see what she thought about it. That way he would know what she might prefer if that opportunity ever arose again.
There are often multiple solutions to a problem. You just might not be able to find them on your own, Having good people around you and the right tools will help you to see those options.
To bring this all back together, as you grow and evolve, you may need to shift your friendships to make room for new friends who support your future.
This doesn’t mean you have to break up with someone. It might be as simple as not adding them to your schedule very often, not responding to their texts right away, or even at all. It may just be that you slowly distance your communication and yourself.
You can always hold the option that should they be moving and growing in a direction you’ve been going on your journey, you can be there for them at that time.
I truly have seen this play out so many times in so many ways.
Here is the most important thing to remember–
Do not let someone else’s fear, judgment, or lack of engagement hold you back from being your highest and best self.