What is the value of clarity?
I will tell you IT’S PRICELESS and so would any of my clients who didn’t know they were different thinkers until they were adults.
Why it is important to understand why you’re not like everyone else – the labels add language and language adds clarity.
Here is WHY this statement is so important when it comes to people knowing who they are. This is a conversation about self-worth, confidence, value, pride, love, and inner peace.
Let me break this down for you.
A child is in school and they see that their classmates are better at many things compared to them.
Do you know what they do about that?
Their beautiful little growing brains want to understand why that is, and if someone doesn’t help them understand this, they will make up a story for themselves. This is where the whole confidence and self-esteem breakdown starts, and it compounds from here without facts to change the story.
Brene Brown explains how the brain works better than anyone when it comes to this process.
Our minds not only love a story, but they will make one up, just to have one. It is how our memory and mind work.
Story is everything and in the absence of a story or language to explain something, our minds will create a story. This is how we end up with limiting beliefs and believing lies as truths.
Now that you understand that we create stories to survive, let’s go back to our conversation about the child in school not being like the rest of the students in the classroom.
Remember this a child and you need to know that in the absence of understanding why something is happening that feels bad, they will blame themselves.
Here’s a breakdown of the physiological process behind why kids might blame themselves when they don’t understand something:
Note: These are simplified explanations, and the specific reasons will vary based on the child’s age, personality, and experiences.
- Limited Cognitive Development: Young children are still developing their brains, including the areas responsible for self-awareness, critical thinking, and emotional regulation. When they encounter something confusing, they might not have the cognitive tools to pinpoint the external source (e.g., the difficulty of the material) and instead focus on what they did wrong (e.g., “I’m not smart enough”).
- Desire for Control: Children crave a sense of control over their environment. When they don’t understand something, it can feel outside their control and lead to frustration. Taking the blame can be a way of regaining a sense of agency, even if it’s a negative one.
- Social Learning: Children learn social cues and reactions from adults around them. If a parent or teacher expresses disappointment or frustration when a child struggles, the child might interpret that as their fault and internalize the blame.
- Lack of Distinction Between Effort and Ability: Younger children often have difficulty separating effort from inherent ability. If they put in a lot of effort but still don’t understand, they might conclude they lack the ability to learn.
- The “Imposter Syndrome” Effect: Even young children can experience a form of “imposter syndrome,” feeling like they don’t deserve success or are fooling others by not understanding. This can lead to self-blame when faced with difficulty.
When you add all this together for a person with ADHD, autism, or dyslexia at a very young age they start a story that most often sounds like some parts of this:
“I’m dumb”
“I’m stupid.”
“I’m broken.”
“I don’t belong here.”
“I’m such an idiot.”
“I’ll never be good at another.”
“Why even try, I am just a failure.”
“Look another F for failure.”
“I’m worthless.”
This whole thing could have been skipped and they would NEVER make up these lies about themselves if someone had just explained that they were different thinkers. That they are not going to do some things the way others do.
They could have been learning to say things like this to themselves.
BONUS NOTE TO ADULTS: If you are still saying some of those things to yourself here are the replacement words.
Negative to Positive Replacement List:
“I’m dumb” / “I’m stupid”
Positive: “Learning takes time. This challenge doesn’t define my intelligence.”
Positive: “Everyone makes mistakes. What can I learn from this to improve my skills?”
Positive: “There are many ways to be smart. I might just need to find a different approach.”
“I’m broken”
Positive: “Everyone faces challenges. I can overcome this, and it will lead me to where I need to be.”
Positive: “There’s nothing wrong with me for struggling. I’m strong and capable.”
Positive: “This doesn’t have to break me. I will learn and grow from this experience.”
“I don’t belong here”
Positive: “I deserve to be here just as much as anyone else. I can find my place.”
Positive: “Maybe I just haven’t found my people yet. I’ll keep looking for a community that supports me.”
Positive: “I can make this place feel more welcoming. I’ll reach out and connect with others.”
“I’m such an idiot” / “Look another F for failure”
Positive: “This doesn’t make me an idiot; this might not be my strongest subject. I can learn from my mistakes and continue to improve and do better next time.”
Positive: “This grade doesn’t define my worth. I can still achieve great things.”
Positive: “Everyone makes mistakes. I’ll use this as a chance to improve.”
“I’ll never be good at this” / “Why even try, I am just a failure” / “I’m worthless”
Positive: “Many successful people struggled at first. I can keep practicing and improve or make enough money to pay someone else to do this.”
Positive: “Not being good at something now doesn’t mean I can’t learn and grow. I have skills in lots of areas.”
Positive: “My worth isn’t tied to my achievements. I am valuable just for who I am.”
Does this statement make sense to you now?
“Why it is important to understand why you’re not like everyone else – the labels add language and language adds clarity.”
Can you help someone in your life learn some of this new language?
This is my goal and my purpose. I don’t want any different thinkers to be walking around being their own worst bullies.
When I work with clients who have spent years defining themselves by those made-up stories and then living out those lies over and over again reinforcing them, there is a lot of understanding and healing that has to take place to start to grow in the direction of their dreams.
I am standing with them in the negative and we have to get to neutral before we can even go to the positive.
This is where regular coaching is not neurodiversity coaching.
Please help me help others by passing this message along and by helping others find the words to explain why they think the way they do and what to do about it.
I’m just one different thinker making a small and mighty difference.
Thanks
JoyGenea