You Can’t Circumnavigate Your Beliefs

“Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order.” Anne Wilson Schaef

Recently when I was leading a PQ group meeting, a person was talking about something that had been on their list of to-dos for a long time.

Their logical mind knew they needed to get this thing done, knew it was important and yet they were avoiding it. So, we talked about the avoider, and I kept asking more questions about the overall goal. It turned out once we got under all of the lies and BS swimming around as excuses, that they weren’t proud of what they would be submitting. It wasn’t perfect. They really weren’t fighting with the avoider; they were really fighting with the stickler and hyper-achiever. They had a core belief in their mind about how this project had to go, and what it had to look like to be submitted and until that happened it was not good enough to submit. I will also let you know that THEY made up all of those extra rules. They had met all of the requirements for submission.

To work through this roadblock and dig deeper I had them list out all of the additional things that would need to happen to get it to their belief of perfect. Then we guesstimated the number of hours that would be needed to reach perfection. It turns out that a year from now it would be perfect, and they would need to only focus on this project, no family, no friends and no job for a year.

This is the best part. They just started laughing.  Not just a little laughter, a whole-hearted laugh. It was lovely to see on zoom. At that very moment, they had shifted the belief ‘that things have to be perfect, or they can’t be completed.

This story is an example of how we have and set limiting beliefs. By limiting I am saying that these beliefs hold a person back from having what they want out of life. They prevent us from being happing. That isn’t how they start. Most of the time our beliefs about things start building when we are a young child at five or six years old. Some of them are good beliefs, like don’t kill other people. Some are terrible like, I turned in my assignment and the teacher yelled at me, I didn’t like that at all, so I am always going to ask every question I can think of, so I never get anything wrong again. This belief works out ok for a five-year-old, it does not work out well for an adult. The problem is we don’t realize when we are making a new belief. No bells go off, no sign’s pop up around us. It is all in our head and it happens quickly. Something happens in our life that creates and extreme outcome, good or bad, and so our mind says either “let’s do that a lot more or let’s never feel this way again.” That is when it makes up RULES around the belief to support things and those rules are what breaks down in the living of life.

In our example from earlier about the teacher yelling and the student for not doing the assignment right that student then makes up rules like.

  • I will raise my hand and ask questions right away.
  • I will talk to the teacher about how to best do this assignment.
  • I won’t start any assignments unless I talk to three other classmates about how they are going to do their assignments.
  • I will read and re-read the syllabus and take it so seriously that I ask more questions about every single assignment I am given in that class.

I have friends who are teachers, and they share with me at times all of the fears their students display and all of the rules they make up in an attempt to be perfect. It is good to do well and none of the things I mentioned in the list are bad or harmful until they are done to extreme and that is what happens to old beliefs from childhood with crazy rules supporting it.

The fix for this is really simple.

  1.     Spot the belief – write out and name the belief.
  2.     Find all of the rules – write out all of the rules with that belief.
  3.     Note or highlight all of the rules that are extreme and not helping you (hint, most of them)
  4.     Write out the truth behind each rule. Most rules are a lie you made up to protect yourself, call out the lie.
  5.     Rewrite your belief.

Example:

     1. Spot the belief.

a. If I am not going to be great at it, I shouldn’t even try to do it. Quiet right away

     2. Find all of the rules

     a. If I am not as good as the other people on the first day or first try, quiet and don’t go back

    b.  If someone tells me how to improve in the first couple of tries, quiet and don’t go back

    c.  If I feel like people are laughing at me because I am not doing it as good as them, quiet and don’t go back

     d. If I am having feelings like I am stupid or an idiot for not knowing how to do this, quiet and don’t go back

     e. If I am not outstanding at it in a month, quiet and don’t go back

     3. Note or Highlight all of the rules that are extreme or not helpful

a. If I am not as good as the other people on the first day or first try, quiet and don’t go back

b. If someone tells me how to improve in the first couple of tries, quiet and don’t go back

c. If I feel like people are laughing at me because I am not doing it as good as them, quiet and don’t go back

d. If I am having feelings like I am stupid or an idiot for not knowing how to do this, quiet and don’t go back

 e. If I am not outstanding at it in a month, quiet and don’t go back

     4. Write out the truth behind each rule

a. If I am not as good as the other people on the first day or first try, quiet and don’t go back Total BS.

What I know as an adult is that it takes years to get good at things and I just started, I am going to suck for a while, oh well.

b. If someone tells me how to improve in the first couple of tries, quiet and don’t go back.

Really, this is insane. I want people to tell what I am doing wrong and how I can improve. Thank them, ask them how they got so good at it and how long they have been doing this.

c. If I feel like people are laughing at me because I am not doing it as good as them, quiet and don’t go back.

There is a kernel of truth here.  If people are making fun of me and I am just not fitting in, yes quiet after you have tried your best. I don’t get too quiet in the first couple of tries because I am self-conscious.  Get over it. I am not going to deprive myself of learning and growing because I THINK people are laughing at me.

d. If I am having feelings like I am stupid or an idiot for not knowing how to do this, quiet and don’t go back.

Total lie. That is exactly how I am going to feel when I first start to learn something new. I will not run from that.

e.  If I am not outstanding at it in a month, quiet and don’t go back.

This is false because you can’t get good at something in a month. It takes people years and years. So, stick at it if you enjoy it and decide how much time and energy, I am going to commit to it and what level of skill that will get me.  Let go of perfect and being as good as people who devote more time and money to it.

     5.Rewrite your belief

a. I love to learn new things and when you learn new things you suck at it.  Not just a little suck, I mean a whole lot of not being good at it. I am going to feel laughed at, stupid, like I should quiet, all of that is a lie, because I really want to be good at something right away in the first month and that just isn’t how it works. The things I am really good at I enjoy and practiced a lot to get as good at them as I am. For right now while I am just starting out, I will just keep learning and then decide how much time, money and energy I am going to put into it to get what I want out of it. That is the truth. I love to learn, and I can’t be perfect right away so let that go.

What a difference it makes when you come at something from the right perspective to get the most out of it. In coaching there are many additional ways to take that new belief and get it pushed into your neurology and that part is equally as important.

Next time you are asking yourself,Why can’t I seem to get this one thing done?

I promise you that you can, but your limiting beliefs are more than likely preventing you. 

Take time to explore that and you might be surprised by what happens next.

 

Thanks,

JoyGenea Schumer
Business Owner, International Neurodiversity Coach, and Speaker

 

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